is your mom at the bar?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
