Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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