AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
