Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
