So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
