Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
