I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It was confusing and full of hummus
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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