he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
