there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
