my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
