i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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