i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
