her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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