Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
