I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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