i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
