i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
