i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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