I accidentally had phone sex last night
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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