Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my shit smells like andre
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
