So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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