Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
