it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
