she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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