Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
