we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
