I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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