I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Randomize