I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
