i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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