so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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