I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
