There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's official drugs can't kill me
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
