When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
