thus making me awesome and them whores
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
