I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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