New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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