nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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