New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
