I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
