life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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