Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
