dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
