the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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