I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
