I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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