Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
