More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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