He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
only if we run a train.
done.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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