you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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