At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
