i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
