You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize