You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
