my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
