How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize