I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize