sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
